How do you know when it’s time?

By Pastor Jimmy Witcher

Quite possibly every individual has their own unique take on the “right” amount of time to date before getting engaged and to be engaged before getting married, which can make finding a clear answer to how long you should date or how long your engagement should be a challenge! While the Bible doesn’t specify a length for either dating or engagement, we can look to it instructions in the Bible as well as ancient Jewish law and culture in the Old Testament to learn some practical applications for modern dating.

As historians will tell you, the ancient Jewish people had precise processes for couples before marriage. One big difference between their culture and ours today is that engagements were as contractually binding as marriage is today, and the engagement period was primarily used for the future husband to build his bride-to- be a room (think: small apartment) in his father’s house. Once his father approved of his build, then the wedding festivities would commence, and the couple would move in together after making their covenants to one another before God and witnesses (family and friends!).

Today, the engagement phase of a relationship is primarily used to plan the wedding, attend events like bridal showers, and make future living arrangements. Engagement is not considered binding as it was in Jewish culture – certainly not in any legal respect; however, the majority of, if not all, engaged couples today have already made a joint decision to be married and are on the other side of their assessment period.

My recommendation for couples ready to enter this definition of engagement might be considered a “hot take” ... go ahead and get married! You can still have all of the cultural experiences you’d like: plan your wedding celebration party (you can even include a ceremony with vows!), attend some fun celebratory events, and further establish your lives together. But when you know you want to marry each other, that’s when it’s time to get married – at least legally and before God.

My other recommendation for those with a more traditional take, or for younger couples who might have more parental involvement in the wedding and marriage planning process, do a short engagement – two months or so and don’t let any of the fanfare be reason for your waiting. As Christians, we believe that as much as you have an individual call on your life, God also has a purpose for you and your spouse together. You cannot access this calling until you have been married before God!

So, what does this mean for dating? It means that for most of us, dating is the evaluation period. This might take anywhere from a few months to 1-2 years. I would recommend – if you don’t know after two years, you should shift how you are dating each other to be more intentional about understanding your compatibility: Are you on the same page about when you want to have kids and how big of a family you want to have? Is the person you’re dating committed to having a God- centered life and marriage? Can you establish healthy communication habits with each other and resolve conflict?

Many people experience an issue in dating, where length of time they’ve been dating becomes an unhealthy crutch. Meaning, “I feel like I’ve invested so much of my life into this relationship, now I can’t let it end.” When in reality, you are either avoiding an inevitable breakup or unnecessarily delaying the purpose God has for your married lives!

No matter what stage you find yourself in, ask God this question: “God, what are you giving me the grace for?” Learn by listening to God if he’s giving you the grace to continue evaluating or if it’s time to get married. He will speak to you! Keep in mind, God will never contradict his Word in the Bible. He will not tell you to live together before marriage, for example.

All throughout the Bible we learn of the merits and blessings of marriage. In Proverbs, 1 Corinthians and Ephesians to name a few discuss the wonderful thing that is uniting with your spouse! One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Deuteronomy 24:5, “When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.” While taking a year off work isn’t feasible for most couples today, this is a wonderful example of God’s perspective on marriage: it is meant to be enjoyed!

Don’t delay what God has for you!

Are you and your significant other living together? We have an opportunity for you to get married by Pastor Jimmy Evans in Amarillo, TX on November 5, 2022! Don’t let anything hold you back from the unique calling God has designed for your lives together. If you’re interested in learning more about this unique opportunity fill out the short form below: